Going Under Cover

To my nearest and dearest,
Today I went to work wearing my hijab. Just as last Friday, today was also a learning experience for me. There are still so many matters I need to sort out before I can finally say that I have fully committed myself to going under the cover of hijab everyday.

I still have my struggle as well as concerns; albeit the joy of knowing that I am doing what is right. It is so much for me to process only in such short time. I got so many positive reactions from people I met today and I truly appreciate it; however, praise from others is not what I am after. I fear it will in fact stray me away from the real purpose of covering up, that is to be consistently modest.

What my husband said actually summed up a large chunk of what I felt the whole day. He said 'You look like someone I have never met before. You look completely different, and yet you are the same. It has nothing to do with beauty, you just look different. Like I am talking to you right now but you look like you're not you.' Bingo!

I know I look different wearing hijab, everyone can see that; the question is am I ready to be different? Doesn't have to be drastic because even a slight change in our life means an increase in our stress level. And this change will not only be physical, it is meant to be spiritual as well. What if I can't sync my inside and my outside?

More questions arise: What if along the way I lose contact with myself? What if I don't recognize myself anymore? What if one day the learning curve goes down and I become miserable? What if I am just being obnoxiously paranoid right now and making a complete fool out of myself?

These questions are just few of the whole lot in my head right now. And I really need time to sort them out one by one; so maybe now is the perfect time for me to practice patience, to take the time needed to overcome problems without losing my grip.

I was advised twice today by two different people to follow my heart but right now my mind is too busy shouting out questions I can barely hear myself think. And we all know sometimes the heart can be very soft-spoken as well as shy.

So if tomorrow or the day after or next week, you see me without hijab.. I pray you all understand what I am going through. Simply understand me, that is all I ask.

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