Covering Up

After few weeks of contemplation and discussion with very few people I trust about this matter, last night I finally put on a hijab for the first time ever. Please understand that I meant it to be a trial experience for me. I know very well how impulsive I can be sometimes and how it often landed me in hot water; making unwise decisions without knowing enough. So for something as important as putting on hijab, I wanted to be able to make a sane and wise personal decision so only myself would be held accountable for it. So, please do not expect me to start wearing hijab daily. I don't want to do it for other people, I want to do it for me. That, I believe, would allow the whole experience to be more meaningful.

So right now I just want to write about the short experience of covering up for the very first time. I will skip the part where I spent nearly 30 minutes trying on different ways to wrap the pashmina around my head, trying on different styles and ways of wrapping to find the one with the least possibility of slipping down. It was more nerve-wrecking than putting on fake lashes, but also more exciting.

But let me just share about the pashmina I chose to wear; it was an old blue pashmina. It was very obviously old, you could tell just by looking at it. Not because I didn't have anything newer or better looking, I got a drawer full of scarves, shawls, and pashminas. But I deliberately chose the old one so nobody - myself included - would be distracted by the face value of the fabric. It is a hijab; so I think it's not the fabric of the hijab that matters, it's got just one sole purpose and that is to cover up my head. If it's big enough to do the job, then it's good.

Let me also explain why I thought last night was a good time for me to try it on. It was a graduation ceremony held in the school where I work, so all eyes would be on the graduates. I would only be another name in the guest list. And in that guest list, there would be more people who don't know me rather than those who do; I had expected those who know me to at least ask or say something about me covering up so keeping them at the minimum level would help me be more at ease. And it worked; I got only one really awkward question from a friend who said 'You must be having a horribly bad hair day. Is that why you cover it up?' to which I replied 'No, I just wanted to cover up.' Then he went on and asked 'Why?' to which I replied 'Why not?' He seemed more nervous asking me than me answering him. I knew few other friends stared at me; one nodded with an approving smile, and another one said I looked 'bright'. I didn't know how to respond to someone saying you look bright, so I just said thanks. 

All through the experience, one feeling dominated the most; that was the feeling of safety. I felt safe. Physically or mentally, I can't even say but I just felt safe; like I knew everything would be alright. Even if something went wrong, that would not change anything. I felt protected.

I think one of the reasons why feeling safe was the most dominant because I could really say I had less things to worry about; I wasn't worried that my hair would be out of place, I got the hijab covering it. I wasn't worried that my legs would show too much skin, I was wearing long pants. Wasn't worried that my make up was too much or not enough, I was in fact practising modesty so the presence and consciousness of my mind should be the most important. And I never realized just how much these tiny worries and concerns usually effected me until I didn't have to worry about them anymore. I was worried for a few moments that my hijiab would slip down, and it did a couple of times but nothing that couldn't be fixed within 30 seconds.

I also asked my husband what he thought of me wearing hijab twice; first time before the ceremony began and he said 'You looked good', second time on our way home and he said 'You looked really good.' So I think we're good. I told him that this was just a trial and there would be more trials, and he basically told me to keep doing what I thought was in the right path. Told me to take my time and savour the moment; let every second of the experience settle in my mind and in my heart. That is exactly what I intend to do.

Earlier in the day when I told my friend about my plan, I was advised to 'wear it with pride' and with pride I did wear it. Thanks for the encouragement.

So that is it; my first four hours with a hijab. It was an experience; no need for adjectives. It simply was an experience. And I meant it in the most beautiful way possible.